The 25th and 26th of March always come looming towards me. Sometimes I feel the waves of mental and emotional unrest, distress anxiety and post-trauma from the end of February. This year though, I felt reasonably okay. I've had lots of work to look forward to in March, an awesome conference to attend and even a severe health scare (all turned out well!) to keep my mind and emotional self, preoccupied. The 24th arrives and I can feel my mind begin it's hazy spiral, I'm more prepared though this year! It is 6 years on the 25th that I found out my baby son Oscar had died; at just over full term, he was born the following day on the 26th March. On the 27th March, my wonderful partner Carl and I had to say goodbye to Oscar forever. We held him for 17 precious hours before I handed him over to the lovely midwife, not knowing where he would be going now or how I was even going to function...! Carl and I had to walk out of the hospital without the joy of our new baby. Every year these days are so difficult to get through. Most years since 2013 I have just got ill, no matter what I've tried to do. Like a wonderful coping mechanism my body has to just make it's self physically ill so I can't feel the emotional and mental pain quite so much. This year, I made sure our diaries were clear and put no pressure or expectations on myself. Carl and I took care of ourselves, each other and our amazing little girl Amelie, who is 4. I Listened to my body, which felt like my muscles had been replaced with lead and my head was going to float away. I practised compassion for myself and my family. I allowed those terribly traumatic memories to bubble up and offer me pain. Though I wanted to push them away I knew I couldn't, I softly looked at them, felt them and allowed them to naturally disperse or morph into another. On the 25th March Carl and I took our big crazy dog for a lovely walk. Carl on his roller skates, resiliently and joyfully reliving his youth and rekindling a hobby that brings him immense pleasure, I ran around a beautiful lake, stopping and taking in the light, colour, sounds and awe of nature. Painful though it was, I chatted to my little boy, just on the off chance he could hear me and even if he couldn't it's a therapeutic practice. I always have to apologise for any part I had or for not listening to my body well enough to save him. No matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault, I carry guilt. I am his mum, and I've come to the peaceful resignation that that's the way it is, and it's ok for me! I don't beat myself up or unduly give myself pain or punish myself over my guilt; the constant questioning of "why, if only" dissipated years ago. I am just gentle with my self and let my self say "sorry, my darling boy".... because I am! So our walk was lovely, watching Max, the dog, leaping in the lake and thinking about the smiles on people's faces as Carl roller-skated past being pulled by a great big silly dog! The 26th of March came over Carl and I like a dark heavy blanket but we got ourselves together and went to Oscars natural burial site armed with plants and water and towels and a picture of him for Amelie as she had asked us to take it so she could see him. Amelie and I planted the flowers whilst Carl pruned some of the trees and we tidied up his spot. We all quietly in our own way said the words we needed to. We dropped Amelie off at nursery after talking to her about all the fun she was going to have at forest school that afternoon. Carl and I went home and I headed straight for the blanket on the sofa, made a hot water bottle and found some silly dinosaur movie. The pain surging around my body and mind can't be taken away but I could let myself feel it whilst occupying myself with a film and cuddling myself up with care and love.I honestly don't know how I would have got through the last 6 years without knowing what I know about well-being and resilience; just like having a medical first aid kit, knowing the techniques and having an understanding of what's really happening in my body and mind enables me to take the best care of myself and my family, particularly through the hardest part of the year. Now on the 27th of March, I can feel myself heading out of the tunnel and the weight begins to lift; gently looking forward to the weeks ahead, work opportunities and bookings and Mothers Day this coming Sunday, spending loving time with my family. Thanks so much for reading, hope your day is filled with beauty.
